THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN TRAUMATIC – 23

“I get it,” a brave and understanding Captain says, “I may have 360 degrees vision, but I still have a glass eye.”

So the Doctor obliges and buzzes the Captain’s glass eye with his silver stick.

“You’re mistaken, you’ve just buzzed my glass eye,” the Captain remarks.

“It’ll take some time to get used to but for now, you’re advised to let the patch on until you can find the time to work it out because it doesn’t come with ‘how-to-use’ instructions.

“What are you hinting at?”

“O for heaven’s sake, just think: I’ve got two hearts, I was born like that and no one explained to me how to use them, they just function.”

“I used to have two eyes that saw the same thing but for the variation in angle.”

“No, I have two hearts and now you have two brains.”

Upon this revelation, a few seconds elapse in utter silence.

“Huh!” the King exclaims, “and you thought Fur Coat was strange.”

A single ‘fuck’ is all that Labaguette can yell, as he spins around in circles.

“Traumatic-tic-tic!” the King adds.

“Not funny!  Not funny at all!” the Captain says, “how am I supposed to use this second brain?  It’s not going to manipulate me is it?”

“The second brain is only here to help use your first brain better.”

“How so?”

“It’ll give you a new edge.  You now have a deep subconscious mind; your instincts will prevail over your thinking.”

To be continued…

Advertisements

THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN TRAUMATIC – 22

“Whatever it is that your blob is doing to my travelling device, it’s going to regret it.”

Now the phone box disappears entirely.

“It’s going to vomit it, it’s indigestible,” the Doctor adds.

“Fur Coat can stomach quite a bit.  The longer you wait, the more difficult it is going to be for your device to be spat out.”

“What can I do for you?” the Doctor concedes.

“Finally you’re making sense,” the King says, “I’d like to get back home.”

“So do I.  Not only that but universal dust is stuck in my eye,” the Captain continues, “it’s sore and I can’t see where my ship is going.”

“Your ship is rudderless, with or without an eye, you won’t be able to control it.”

“I’m in pain and you’re a doctor, isn’t that enough?”

“Why didn’t you just say it?”

And before a flabbergasted parrot, King and pirate have any time to reply, the Doctor takes out a metallic stick from one of his pockets, holds it onto Captain Traumatic’s eye until the stick lets out a ray of light for a few seconds.  Then the Captain’s pain is gone and his eye disappears only to pop out on the opposite side of his head, an exact 180 degrees from where his glass eye is.

“Capitaine,” Labaguette says, a dismayed look on his face, “where is your—“

“—shhh!” the Doctor utters.

“You might say one gets a clear vision over nothing and everything in this Universe,” the King utters with some amusement on his face.

To be continued…

THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN TRAUMATIC – 21

“Who?” the King asks.

“Precisely,” the Doctor answers.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Labaguette asks.

“You’re welcome, very welcome,” the Captain continues, “I need a doctor.”

“Well guys, I’m Doctor WHO and I’m from the future.  I’m not supposed to be here but your ship was in the way as my time travelling device’s technology hasn’t quite caught up with progress and with what I want it to do.”

“Are you a messiah?  Can you cure my blindness?” the Captain asks.

“Err.  I just want you out of the way so I can carry on travelling.”

“Where are you headed?” the King asks.

“You might catch a cold like that,” the Doctor answers.

“And what have you got to say in your defence, dressed as you are in that strange attire of yours?” the King retorts.

“I haven’t time for your arguments,” the Doctor says, “I must press on.”

“If you can’t help us, we can’t help you.  Besides, you broke one of our masts,” Labaguette remarks.

“You take that box out of the mast, fix it and fix the Captain,” the King adds.

“Or else…” the Captain continues.

“…Fur Coat,” Labaguette adds.

“I’m sorry?” the Doctor says.

“My Capitaine has got vision,” Labaguette says.

“What are you on, you lot?” the Doctor asks, “other worlds are waiting for me.”

“Right now, we ARE your world,” the King commands, but he’s had enough of this nonsense and rolls his eyes towards the red phone box pinned to the mast as already, it is being slowly swallowed by Fur coat’s spreading tentacles.

To be continued…

THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN TRAUMATIC – 20

“I’ll be damned,” the King says.

“Damned, you are!” the Captain says.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Labaguette squawks once again.

“It is one thing to be able to command, to have a ship glide and hover, but what good is it without rudder?” the King remarks.

Soon, the Insatiable Princess reaches an area of the Universe crowded with small planets, debris and more universal dust.  Fur coat is unable to bring its deployed sleeves back on time because the Captain has closed his only seeing eye, because the King can’t plan ahead and no one listens to Labaguette’s warnings any more as they resemble his normal conversations, a jumble of screeches and spat out words.  Inevitably, the ship is stopped in its flight as it becomes stuck between two planets, with its trailing planet stopping close behind it.

As if this wasn’t enough, another mighty crash is heard and a voice yells:

“Ahoy!  Are you all right down there?”

“Is this you, Capitaine?” Labaguette asks.

“Now is not the time for silly imitations,” the King replies.

Upset, Labaguette flies off to check out what this is about and who this newcomer might be.

“It’s the Doctor,” he announces flying back.

“Yep, correct: the Doctor,” the voice from above ads.

“Is there a Doctor on board?” the Captain asks.

“I didn’t catch a cold,” the King says.

Now there’s a clang on the ship as an anchor lands on deck and a tall man slides down a rope hanging from above.

“I’m the Doctor!” he says enthusiastic, as if they should all know him.

To be continued…

THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN TRAUMATIC – 19

“You’re the most useless pirate I’ve ever met,” the King says.

“Your being naked increases our speed,” a desperate Captain retorts, “besides, I can’t accept that on my ship a King should wear nothing more than its bare precious parts for the entire universe to see, as I, pirate whose most precious grapple is always of good taste and princely state, have got a remnant of pride.”

“My nakedness only exposes the truth about the crown’s jewels: there’s no shame to be had.  Let me remind you that you’re nothing more than a blind pirate overcome by a tiny-itsy and ridiculous speck of dust and that you can’t figure out North, South, East or West, let alone what is precious, princely and priceless.”

“I’m a true pirate at heart and my having you as some valuable hostage on my ship would be a reason for pride if only you looked your part instead of a fat jelly blob that lacks personality, presence and power and that knows nothing about rum culture.  I may not be able to see you but I can very well feel you and imagine you.”

“FUCK ALL OF YOU Pirates and Kings!” Labaguette screams, “there’s no time for debate, we’re going too fast!”

Then the Captain clicks his fingers, just like the King would do.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the King asks.

Fur coat – mistaken or mesmerised by the Captain’s clicking, it is difficult to know – deploys its wide, humongous sleeves on each side, left and right, and the Insatiable Princess and its trailing planet begin to glide instead of falling.  It casts a gigantic shadow over them, now hiding even the most remote star light shining upon them.

To be continued…

THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN TRAUMATIC – 18

“We’re moving,” Labaguette says, “we’re flying.”

Slowly at first, the ship slides underneath the planet and begins an unstoppable descent, dragging the planet with it.  How can the fall be avoided and stopped?  Why is a damned entire planet following them?  The king looks guilty; it must be his fault, Labaguette thinks.

“It’s your fault, you damned fucking lazy pirate!” the King says.

“My, O my! Fuck! Fuck, Fuck!” Labaguette repeats, neurotic as can be.

“Watch your language you, bird from hell!” the King continues.

“You’re no King!” the Captain exclaims.

The three of them have reached a point of no return.

“Fur Coat!” the King orders, snapping his fingers.

But Fur coat isn’t reacting.

“Do something, Capitaine!  Look where we’re going!”  Labaguette says as the ship is gaining speed with a planet on its trail.

So the Captain opens his dust inflated eye and sees.

Suddenly he is able to comprehend that Fur coat is the King’s soul mate, that the two of them have a skin deep connection.  The coat is protective of its king and will follow him everywhere.  The King is what makes Fur coat and a planet gravitate around him.  It cannot be stopped.

But the speed of the fall is increasing fast.  It becomes uncontrollable and every second that lapses renders their vertiginous fall more likely to end in disaster.

“We’re going to crash into tough universal dust, a ship or some planet and be squashed by that damned fucking planet of yours,” Labaguette screams.

To be continued…

THE INCREDIBLE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN TRAUMATIC – 17

As soon as the King tastes it, he drops to the floor and begins contorting, grimacing and expressing nothing but pain, holding his throat and thinking of nothing but death.

“You’ve poisoned me, you scoundrels!  I’m dying.  Fur Coat…”  A few seconds later, mirth appears on his red face.

“More!” he orders.  “Bring me more!”

There are three creatures, a human, a parrot and a King, all sitting on a ship named the Insatiable Princess.  They are sipping rum until one of them wishes to take a glimpse of the Universe atop this ships’ mast because he’s never been anywhere before and because he’s too drunk to think.  The Captain is singing a song and Labaguette, concerned, flies to the King who is climbing a mast.

“Your Majesté,” he says, “you’re not tied.  It is dangerous in your condition to—“

“—What’s that word you’re always using?  This ‘condition’?  I feel just fine.  Go away you stupid squawking bird!  Shoo!”

“Please your Majesté, it is not safe here.”

“Fur coat will catch me if necessary.”

“Just in case, Your Majesté.  Here, let me attach this rope around your ankle.”

But the King is angry at Labaguette.  He can’t and won’t be tied.  He snatches the rope from Labaguette’s beak, loses his balance and falls.

Labaguette squawks loudly.  The Captain tries to stand.  Now there’s a King insulting a small crew, hanging safe, a few inches from the floor, his foot having been caught in the rope’s unravelling.  A sail has come down and, with the weight of the King resting on the main rope, the ship has become unstuck.

To be continued…