Chuck Wendig’s flash fiction hazard 11.01.2015
“OUTGOING DWARF FIGHTER FROM A BUSTLING CITY WHO GETS EASILY ATTACHED TO PEOPLE”
It may be that the dwarf saw too many Spider John movies, no one really knows. As always with this type of news, the outcome is only what you make of it, the truth, only an elusive state of affairs.
His name was Dwarf-A-Fuck, previously known as Brendan Who. He’d gotten hold of Spider John for some lessons on how to become a Spider Dwarf, as you do when crime has become inexistent in your city.
Brendan Who’s life had been one dedicated to saving unwanted gnomes from unsafe gardens (unsafe gardens where children run amok as destroyers of gnomes, cutting the gnomes heads off with their Jedi beams to exorcise their dark side. Unsafe gardens also included gnomes being left in blazing heat or cold and never being given the opportunity to be inside, displayed as ornaments atop shelves and mantel pieces.
For Brendan, this job had become unexciting and the gnomes tended never to thank him for his work. Brendan had to find true meaning to his life.
This is when he contacted Spider John, an amazing creature, saviour of all sorts, yet not a god. Spider John agreed to take Brendan Who to the museum where he’d originally got his first spider sting to get the same spider to bite the dwarf. Brendan Who turned into Dwarf-A-Fuck, as expected.
However, the effects on the dwarf ended up as being more potent, probably because of his size. His spidery threads had the ability to stick to everything in a clinging sort of way and everywhere he went, objects or people became stuck. But there was worse as Dwarf-A-Fuck’s attachments to people of all kinds (including lawyers and losers) were accentuated and that, especially when it came to Spider John.
Now, Spider John was a healthy individual: he had morals and integrity. He felt sorry for Dwarf-A-Fuck. It was Spider John’s fault, his responsibility, and with responsibility comes great power. He couldn’t undo Dwarf-A-Fuck’s emotional attachment to him. Together, they must find a solution, they must find a way.
But Life with a big “L” caught up with them, as Life does.
The city where they lived was plagued by maggots because often in cities, much waste is left to rot under city streets, in drains, in uncollected and unemptied bins but most of all in and out of everyone’s nightmares.
And so it came that Maggot Major was born and rose to be large. Very large. Huge in fact. He was a maggot with a brain. He too found his power at the museum in the entomology section. He had in him, not only an evil mind turned more evil than you can imagine but also poisonous juices that could control everyone’s will and want, the only drawback being that, being a maggot, he was slow of movement.
Still, he had such power as to be able to entice Dwarf-A-Fuck to help him out in his trail of destruction and he easily hypnotized Dwarf-A-Fuck who became emotionally bound to Maggot Major.
All Dwarf-A-Fuck had to do, was to get his sticky thread material to bind all important people in the city to a wall on the town hall, against which Spider John could do nothing because Maggot Major had been in on this threatening to destroy the entire city, possibly even the world, by spraying his misery juices into the air and make everyone die or surrender to him, depending on the will of the victims to survive.
Fortunately, Spider John had a way with emotional words, which was displayed for the first time when he attempted to rescue the city but was stopped in his track by Dwarf-A-Fuck and Maggot Major who rolled Spider John into a tight webbed bundle and threatened to suffuse in him the juices of Death-and-Hell-Beyond if he didn’t give in to their command to help them rule the world.
Spider John, in a last-ditch attempt to regain control and save the day, looked into Dwarf-A-Fuck eyes and said:
“I told you I’d be back.”
“Arnie said it before you.”
“I told you I’d be back for you, for you only.”
“He means for your eyes only,” Maggot Major interfered as he noticed the tears welling into Dwarf-a-Fuck’s eyes and although Spider John was securely neutralised, unable to click his fingers to bring Dwarf-A-Fuck back from his trance, Maggot Major knew only too well that one or two bats of Spider John’s eye lids may be sufficient to undo the trance that held Dwarf-A-Fuck into his power.
Dwarf-A-Fuck looked at Maggot Major and Spider John’s eyes in turn, wondering who to turn to, who to believe.
“You’re shallow,” he uttered, looking at Spider John.
“I helped you changed your life,” Spider John insisted. “I helped you get the gift of the thread.”
“For what?” Maggot Major snarled, “Dwarf-A-Fuck still can’t run a thread between one and one.”
“Sure can, it’s 11.”
Maggot Major rolled his eyes backward.
“Yes, you can,” Spider John said smiling, complimenting Dwarf-A-Fuck.
Meanwhile, the screams of the ministers and VIPs stuck on the town hall could be heard, piercing the air.
“In space, no one can hear you scream!” Maggot Major yelled, content.
“Cheap one-liners, very cheap,” Spider John remarked.
Once again, he’d got Dwarf-A-Fuck’s attention.
“Psychopaths get bored,” Spider John added.
“Am I supposed to be impressed?” Maggot Major continued.
Propelled by the encouragement he’d received from Spider John, Dwarf-A-Fuck said:
“There’s something that doesn’t make sense. Let’s go and poke it with a stick.”
There at last, with the bat of an eyelid, Spider John took Dwarf-A-Fuck out of his trance who then pushed Maggot Major on the side, sat on him, drew a thread around what might have been the neck and squeezed until the maggot’s split into two unequal parts that started to wiggle and worm their way out of the, on the face of it, saved city.
Moral: never squeeze a giant maggot’s body too hard, it might split into more of them.